Addicted
by FBI Bones
Summary: If I love you I can’t loose you, if I love you I can’t hate you, if I love you then I don’t think I can let them kill you.
1. Part One

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, you know I don't own them, they know I don't own them so why bother writing this?**

SUMMARY: If I love you I can't loose you, if I love you I can't hate you, if I love you then I don't think I can let them kill you.

**Darla's POV in the episodes "Quickening" and "Lullaby" from when they go for the ultrasound to Kelly Clarkson's Addicted.**

**Italic is the song, which I don't own.**

**Bold is anything from the episodes, which I don't own.**

**I've had to split this in to two chapters because it was too long, its all the same song and chapter two picks up in the same place chapter one finished.**

I never thought I'd be here, never. Not once in my life or my unlife did it ever occur to me that I would be sat in a wheelchair being pushed down a hospital corridor by my childe in the company of humans. It's you I can blame for that. The impossible conception, the miracle child, the parasite I'm harbouring, I'm merely a vessel for you aren't I? Somewhere you can live whilst you grow.

Ever since Angel pointed out that you have a soul I've been able to hear you're heart beating and feel the soul inside me, it's like poison, clouding my thoughts, I can't think straight, I can't do anything. I feel strangely invincible yet vulnerable at the same time, how is that possible? How can I feel like that? Why am I feeling?

You're fault. It's all you're fault.

"**How're you feeling?"** Angel asks me.

**"I haven't had blood in almost a day, and your devil spawn is trying to rip its way out of my body. How do you think I'm feeling?"**I snapped irritably.

I had a right to be irritable, it's his fault you're here, his fault you exist. His fault I feel like I'm barely here, I _shouldn't_ be here, I'm dead, _you_ shouldn't be here more, I'm a vampire, but what are you? You're not a vampire, vampire's don't have heartbeats, how're you living in there? How can you possibly survive on the blood I'm drinking, alone?

I need the hunger to stop; it physically aches I'm that hungry. You made me like this.

No matter how much I feed, how much I drink, how many I kill, it doesn't stop, a never-ending agony. I liked pain before this, loved it even, now I would give anything for it to stop.

I want you to go away, to leave me alone, I've tried everything and still you won't leave, I want you to never have been. I want things as they were, before Penn and William, even before Drusilla, before the soul . . . before you.

It would be me and Angelus, Angelus and I, terrorising Europe, hunting every night in the dark alleyways of London, feeling the warm blood gushing out of their veins and down our frozen throats as they fall limp in our arms. Feeding 'til we were full, back when it was perfect, unlife couldn't get any better.

My thoughts are interrupted by Cordelia as she pushed open the double doors we're passing and hisses to us.

"**Psst. Paging Doctor Angel"**

Angel turns the chair gently, as if he's concerned that he'll hurt me and backs through the door that Cordelia's holding open for us. He pushes the chair over to the bed Wesley's standing by. Wesley looks nervous as we approach, I grin at him.

He doesn't seem fazed, which annoys me slightly, I look at my hands as he turns to Angel.

**"I sent Gunn and Fred to find an ultra-sound machine so we can take a look. Inside Darla, that is."**

Can't they see I'm not up for this? Vampiric strength I may have but it's fading, I'm so tired.

I hate you, you hear me you little bastard? I hate you!

I'm loosing my mind and it's all your fault, I can't do anything without you knowing what I'm doing.

I kill, and I hear you screaming for them.

I feed, I hear you protest.

I rant and I hear you counter it.

You need to leave, you need to disappear. I'm begging you now, just go away, please! This is too hard; the pain is too much.

Who would want this? Would want to look like this, feel like this, be responsible for a child?

**"What is this? A classroom?" **Angel gives a glance but I don't look up, I know he wants me too, but I hate him, I hate everyone.

I hate you for being here.

I hate Angel for caring.

I hate Wesley for trying to help.

I hate Cordelia for tasting so nice.

I hate Gunn for watching me like a hawk.

I hate Fred for being so dramatic.

_It's like you're a drug._

_It's like you're a demon I can't face down,_

"**Yes. It's is a teaching hospital. How are you feeling, Darla?" **Wesley asks me, I don't answer, in fact I can barely hear him.

**"Something wrong?" **Angel puts a concerned hand on my shoulder, it takes all my self control not to seize his hand in my own.

I don't want to admit it but I have no other choice. I'm scared.

I shouldn't be scared! I'm a master vampire! I've been around for 400 years! I've been through worse than this, I've seen worse than this but it doesn't feel like it right now.

**"I think the contractions have stopped." **Was that a good thing? Should they have? Have you done what I asked? Are you leaving? Are you gonna make everything right again? Please say you are!

**"Is that bad?" **Angel looks at Wesley, as do I.

If you can't confirm it then let him, I won't bite him if he does!

Wesley reaches for my stomach, I follow his hands and notice that mine are resting on my swollen abdomen also, I look up though when he pulls back suddenly.

He goes all stiff and then in his strong English accent he asks if I would mind if he touched my stomach.

I roll my eyes, stupid prat, does he really think I'm gonna attack him if I want an answer? Judging by the expression on his face he obviously does.

"**I won't bite."** I sigh, wait to do that I have to be breathing, why am I breathing? A totally unnecessary exercise for someone who's dead.

**"No, but that thing inside might." **Cordelia said shortly.

Way to go girl, bring back the wary looks and the frown that's just recently left Angel's face.

I glower at her and follow the watcher's hand as he gently presses down on the underside of my stomach.

"**You may have been experiencing something called Braxton-Hicks contractions. They're a form of false labour."**

WHAT? False labour? You're kidding me right? This is all some stupid joke, something William came up with, just to annoy me, he got some witch or something to cast a spell whilst I was sleeping! He must have done! None of this is real! I'll wake up in a minute by the fire in our house, I'll have dozed off, Angelus will come back in after having been hunting, I'll tell him what William has done and he'll punish him while I watch! Please! If I believed in God I'd be praying to him now, you're not real! This is just a stupid prank the stupid childe has come up with!

**"False?" **I echoed, I'm way past ready for this to end now, way past.

**"False as in not ready to come out yet." **

I'm ready to kill someone, not to feed, just for the pleasure of hearing them scream, tear them limb from limb.

"**Well, I'm way past ready. I'd cut it out of me if I could." **

It's real.

All real.

You're real.

He's real.

The soul's real.

I could have wept had the doors not opened and Gunn and Fred come in with an ultrasound machine.

_It's like I'm stuck,_

_It's like I'm running from you all the time,_

"**Here you go, one ultra-sound machine." **Gunn cast me a wary look as he passes me to put the machine on the other side of the bed.

**"Darla, up on the table, please." **Wesley says gently.

I stare at him, then at the bed.

I don't want to do this, I don't want to see you, if I see then it makes it real, it means it's not a joke nor prank, I'm not living with Angelus, William and Dru, I'm here, in LA, in the hospital, nine months pregnant with an impossible baby.

**"Don't you wanna see what's inside?" **Angel's voice penetrated my rant.

It's soothing, like a lullaby, I want to sleep, I'm tired, so tired . . .

That voice is the one he used on his victims over a century ago. He'd lull them into a false sense of security, then smile that smile, looking never more dazzling than he did then before he'd go for the blow, sinking is fangs into their neck, wrapping his arms round them as they collapsed.

I look down at my stomach, swollen and huge, you're in there, you're listening to every word, reading every thought, feeling every emotion, emotions I shouldn't be feeling at all.

I see out of the corner of my eye Angel move so he's stood next to the wheelchair. He carefully takes my upper arm in a firm grasp and takes my other hand in his, Cordelia holds the chair steady as Wesley puts his hands on my waist, he and Angel ease me to my feet. I don't struggle.

_And I know I let,_

_You have all the power,_

I half climb am half lifted onto the bed.

Angel looks concerned as to my lack of protest, I ignore it, this is still so surreal. You'd think that after nine months of having you with me I'd be use to it by now wouldn't you? No, never.

I lean back into the pillows provided and stare at the floor, subconsciously leaning into Angel's hand as he brushes my hair from my face.

I barely notice as Wesley lifts my shirt up and puts gel on my stomach, he said something about it being cold, I don't care, I'm not listening, the sound of you heartbeat drowns out everything else.

He turns on the ultrasound machine and moves the sensor around.

**"Well, then. Let's take a look, shall we?"** He sounds pseudo happy, as if trying to lighten the mood, needless to say it doesn't work. We're all to worried about what we might see. He notices his joyousness isn't infective so looks at the monitor looking slightly put out, I almost feel sorry for him, almost, **"Well, I haven't studied one of these for quite a while."**

The screen is blue.

You're blue.

**"Isn't that a head?" **Angel squints at the screen, his fingers are interlocked with mine, he gives them a reassuring squeeze, despite myself I'm grateful.

You're making me feel! I'm actually caring! It's wrong! This is all wrong, it shouldn't be happening, can't they hear me screaming?

**"I think it is. Or is that the head?" **Wesley points.

If that thing is you, you have you're father's looks okay? I may not have seen what I look like for a while but I do know that I do **not** look like that.

Actually, now I think about it you really do look like your daddy. How weird is that? No weirder than you're existence I'm sure.

**"Maybe you're both right"** Fred pipes up, she's stood at the top of the bed, I can't see her, and I turn my head slightly too look at her along with everyone else **"It's not like I'm suggesting it's an evil two-headed thing." **

I almost burst out laughing at the look on her face, it was brilliant, she had a point I just guess that no one wanted to admit it, we'd all been too concerned with what you were gonna do, given what Wesley's prophecies had suggested.

There's silence as we turn back to the screen. Wesley moves the sensor around a bit.

**"I see it." **Cordelia said suddenly, pointing.

I can see you too . . . Fred was wrong! You don't have two heads!

**"My little parasite."** I whisper, because that's what you are, nothing more than mommy's little parasite.

Not only do you not have two heads but I think you're-

**"Oh, my..." **Wesley breathes in awe.

I think he's noticed too, I don't think anyone else has though.

**"What is it?" **Angel asks, worry laces his voice, that voice I'd heard so long ago, so beautiful, so soothing, so . . . hell even his _voice_ shows his dominance over everything! How on earth is that possible? How can he show dominance over me? The one who sired him two and a half centuries ago? I don't know how he does it but he does.

"**Its – its human." **That sounded so much worse in my head I swear, Angel relaxes slightly, I can feel his fingers fall loose in my hand, I don't let go though and he makes no sign that he intends upon moving them.

"**Human as is in humanoid? As in cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers?" **Gunn said, he still sounds edgy.

Wesley glances down at me, then back at Gunn seeing as my face is void of all emotion.

"**No - human as in - a boy." **He looks at Angel, a smile is slowly crossing his lips.

I look back at the monitor.

_It's like the only company I seek,_

_Is misery all around,_

There you are.

My parasite, my demon, my drug.

That's what you are . . . my drug, my reason for still being here . . . what am I saying? This is confusing the hell outta me! You're intruding again.

Leave me alone! Please! Leave me alone and I'll make sure they get rid of you in the least painful way just stop it! I'm a vampire, an evil, blood-sucking creature of the night, I can't deal with this loving crap.

**"Boy?" **Angel echoes in a whisper looking at Wesley, his eyes wide.

I know he wanted a boy, he's always liked boys, especially when we fed. Said they tasted better than the girls did, I wasn't bothered what I took, so long as it was warm, he always had preferences, mildly picky I'd say. I like younger ones, but then again every vampire did and does, I just never thought that his love of the male children would cross into the desiring of a son.

**"A boy. A boy"**

Yeah I think we all heard him the first time, you're a boy.

I'm gonna bring another man into the world, another male to destroy everything, to, if you take after your father in this area, impregnate another poor female and force her to bear your child.

Wesley turns to me and I look at him, his voice is soft as if talking to a skittish animal, I think he thinks I'm gonna bite him. **"You're carrying a boy."**

I roll my eyes and sigh, I swear if he says that again I _will_ bite him, even if it purely to shut him up **"Great."**

Angel has this dreamy look on his face as he looks at your squirming figure on the monitor; I'm still wondering why on earth you're blue.

**"Gonna have a son"** he breaths, he looks so happy, over the moon I believe the phrase is, has he paid even the slightest bit of attention to me or to the prophecies? That which is brought from darkness shall bring darkness and all that, a smile creeps across his face **"I'm gonna have a son."**

**"Guys. As fascinating as an ultra-sound image of an unborn child may appear..." **Fred spoke again.

She likes staying quiet I noticed, stays out of the way, and when she does speak its either barely audible or she babbles so incessantly someone has to translate.

**"Me. A father. To a son. You know what that means?" **

I look back at Angel; his eyes are fixed on the screen. Wesley is holding the sensor still now and is watching Angel.

You're human.

How on earth does that work out? A human child, with a heartbeat and a soul is alive and kicking in the womb of a dead creature.

You are the son to two vampires and you're mine.

Mine.

**"We're surrounded by vampires?"**

Surrounded by what? Angel starts and looks at her, a goofy smile on his face, God he looks pathetic.

His brow furrows as he tries to explain **"No, it's a human bo..." **he trails off and looks up where Fred is staring at the teaching galleries above us.

I sit up and look round.

She's right.

There are vampires.

A whole bunch of vampires.

A look of realisation crosses Angel's face **"Oh. We _are_ surrounded by vampires." **He stands up quickly, releasing my hand as he does so.

Cordelia clears her throat and turns round, as if looking for an exit route **"Ahem - so, who has a plan?" **She looks at Angel.

**"Don't let 'em kill us sounds like a good first step." **Gunn centres his weight as we watch a group of vampires, along with their seeming leader emerge from the shadows.

**"The miracle child." **He says, an ugly leer on his face.

I won't let him get you, ever; you're safe. If anyone's gonna kill you then it sure as hell won't be him.

What's going on? Am I actually feeling compassion towards you? I barely have chance to register it as the other vampires echo him in a whisper

**"For his time has come"** he and the other vampires get to their knees as they all begin in a slightly unnerving chant** "Praise be. Praise be. Praise be."**

_It's like your a leech,_

_Sucking the life from me,_

I don't actually think they're gonna hurt you, you know? Or any of us, okay maybe they'll hurt the humans but big deal, not like anyone cares, damn, Angel cares but . . .

**"Hey, I'm all for being idolised, but - what the hell is going on?"**

Cordelia has a point, this worshipping crap is verging fun, well as fun as it can get when you're about half the size of everyone else-what's up with that? -And you look like a whale.

**"What do you want?" **Angel snaps, he's tensing, expecting a fight.

I however am perfectly calm, I'm unfazed by their demon visages, after all I am one of them, we both are, Angel and I.

"**To protect the miracle child." **The vampire leader's voice is breathy and low.

Angel half turns to his little gang, he looks at me a second before turning back to the vampires **"Protect? Ah, that's good. We're all here for the same thing." **

Not all of us! I'm here to get rid of you, protecting you was never on my agenda. It's not like you can't protect yourself, believe me if you couldn't you'd be dead by now.

"**DIE!" **A ninja lands in the room, shattered glass falls down around him, that was one hell of an entrance.

I jumped slightly as the vampires launch themselves at the sword bearing intruder and begin to feed. Noisily, and messily.

The smell of his blood hits my nostrils, he smells so good, so appetising. I'm hungry, so, so hungry. If I could just-Angel seizes my wrist and keeps me on the table. I pull myself from his grip and glower first at him then the vampire group as they stand up, blood trickling down their chins, just a little bit . . . that's all I want . . . just a li-

**"As it has been prophesied - by our great potentate Ul-thar, we vow our lives to protect this - special child." **

**"You hear that? Our kid. Special."**

Yeah I heard him Angel, my hearing is just as good as ever.

How are you special in any other way than that you can make me feel so many strange things at once? Invincible and powerful, useless and needed, murderous and compassionate, hating and loving, it's all here, emotions I haven't felt in a very long time and you're making me feel them.

"**Now let us kill the humans so we may use their blood to nourish the mother – and her miracle child." **

Now that's more like it!

**"Guess I'm getting dinner after all." **

Angel doesn't look impressed, Cordelia looks horrified, I'm getting a definite nervous vibe of Wesley, Fred's breathing just got louder and Gunn's heart rate spiked.

Should I care that they're about to be eaten after they just helped me? 'Coz if I am, I don't.

"**Darla, you might wanna join the fight." **Angel shifts from foot to foot, as Fred ducks behind Gunn and Cordelia puts on her best 'I'm a bitch' face.

Keyword there Angel, _might._

**"Sorry, darling. I'm gonna have to be Switzerland and sit this one out"** I smile sweetly at the horrified look that just crossed his face, before I turn back to the cult leader **"Now, you did say you were just gonna kill the humans, right?" **I could live, Angel could live I guess . . .

The vampire leaders amber eyes widen** "Yes, just the humans. Then we will nourish you, slice you open, wear your entrails as a belt and consume your eyeballs before we worship the miracle child." **He takes a few steps forwards.

Okay, I know I'm not usually the type but can I be the first to say ew? That's just disgusting, sure I like blood, live on the stuff, I like to watch the good fight once in a while and the occasional bar brawl if I feel like it. But for some reason, which I'm thinking is you, it's making me feel . . . nauseous? I jump off the table, and as I pull my jacket tighter round myself Angel puts a hand on my shoulder and steers me round him so I'm stood behind him **"Okay. I'm in." **I said brightly, ignoring the suddenly feeling I've got in my stomach of . . . security? I look up at Angel a second before turning back to the vampires.

**"Gunn, you and I can hold them off for as long as we can. The rest of you, get Darla to the car." **Angel doesn't look away from the advancing vampire mob but he does step back, his arms out slightly, guiding me backwards along with the rest of the team.

What am I suddenly not here any more? Am I unconscious? I'm fully capable of teaching a few vampires that look like they have little or no experience dealing with opposing vampires.

As the team backs towards the door I'm forced to follow all though my fists are clenched at my sides itching to hit something solid and preferably baby-worshipping vampire shaped. I could torture them a bit first, before I dust them, woah-I'm taking it you don't like that idea? Well tough luck kid mommy's one pissed off vampire, hungry for violence and for blood.

**"Oh, I'd rather stay and fight. Show these youngsters a thing or two about real carnage."**

Concern and persistence line his voice **"That's thoughtful, but, you know, you should go." **Is he protecting me? Us?

I frown at him. There is no way I am going to be treated like some invalid I am fully capable of fighting, and holding my own, I'm betting I'm a ten times better than any of his human friends-I have even more experience than he does!

**"Charles, do you have an extra dagger I could borrow?" **

I don't turn as Fred speaks, keeping my eyes fixed straight ahead, the only thought that crosses my mind apart from the many, many colourful things I could do to these jumped up vamps is what Fred could possibly want a dagger for. She doesn't look like the worlds best fighter in fact she looks like the type to run away screaming.

There's a chink of metal against metal, which I'm assuming is Gunn giving her the desired weapon.

"**This okay?" **he asks in a hushed a whisper as her original one.

"**Perfect." **

Perfect? Perfect for what? I shake my head and look up at Angel.

"**No my count of three. One, two..." **

Okay, that girl moves fast! I could have sworn I was stood next to Angel a minute ago, but now I'm held firmly in Fred's arms in a purposeful fashion. She shifts her hold slightly so I'm more comfortable.

**"You freaks make one move and I'll slice the miracle kid into triplets." **She says, pressing the dagger against my stomach.

I have to bite back a sudden urge to drive my elbow into my stomach, one wrong move and you're gone . . .

_It's like I can't breathe,_

_Without you inside of me,_

**"It's always the quiet ones." **Cordelia mutters, glancing at us.

Quiet ones? This ones practically silent! It's not like I couldn't fight her off if I wanted too but I decide to play along. She won't hurt you, Angel won't let her.

The vampire leader panics **"Wait!"**

Fred shifts her hold round my neck slightly to make me more comfortable before her head rest on mine as she says in a comforting whisper **"They don't know the knife can't hurt the baby."**

I can barely contain my laugh as I pull my head away slightly and look her in the eye, sweet girl, just wanted to help, well sorry to bust your bubble honey but **"They do _now_. Vampires have great hearing." **It was a good plan, I find myself grudgingly admitting. Until now.

The vampire leader smiles broadly, his pearly white fangs glinting in the over heard light of the room, I pull away from Fred who looks stricken.

I roll my eyes **"Here we go." **

And as predicted it _does_ go.

I whirl round, landing a punch in the vampire behind me's jaw, Angel takes on two, and Wesley's already fighting hard.

I can't see Fred and Gunn but I'm sure they're fighting as well. Cordelia's swinging punches every which way, landing them in various parts of her assailant's anatomy.

I duck and turn just in time to see Cordelia throw a vampiress into a medical trolley and Wesley bring his arms down hard on a vampire who'd just attempted to jump him's back and legs; he is a good fighter!

I jump to my feet again and throw a vampire away, I looked to Angel who's already fighting the leader almost effortlessly.

I can hear you screaming, you don't like it here, you don't like it all.

This feel nothing like anything I've ever felt before. I love this, the thrill of the battle, the feel of the vampires as they dust at my hand, fighting for my unlife . . . and yet your pain seeps through, you're terrified, you want out.

I want to stay, I want you to suffer like I have, putting up with something you don't want but I can't.

"**Everybody out!" **Wesley yells as I make a run for the door another vampire tries to top me, I seize him by his shirt and hurl him sideways.

Wesley looks a little surprised at my strength, and he says he's an ex watcher . . .

Fred takes my arm and pushes me out of the door; Gunn, Wesley and Cordelia are quick to follow.

We run down the corridors which are empty.

I looked at Wesley, where's Angel? He has an equally blank look on his face.

Angel points at his car as he comes out of the hospital and into the parking lot.

You love him don't you? That's why I'm loving him? You were crying for him weren't you? You've stopped now he's back.

At some point whilst I was thinking I got pushed into the back seat of the car, Wes;ey on my left with his arm round my shoulders, Gunn on my right whilst the girls and Angel are up front.

I'm pretending not to notice the stake Wesley has at the ready, so I look down at my knees.

**"I think we lost them." **Gunn twists his seat to look behind us.

I never felt more scared than I did then.

I never thought I'd feel so terrified of a few vampires, of the thought that Angel might have gotten hurt, stupid considering her was only about a minute behind us if that, but because you were scared so was I.

**"Anybody hurt?" **Angel asks, glancing in his rear view mirror, one eye remained on the road though, we were practically flying down it in our rush to escape.

**"Nothing a couple of band aids and a pint of Heathbar crunch can't fix." **Cordelia said in a none to successful attempt to lighten the mood.

**"I'm good." **Wesley shrugs, although his stake remains steadily poised, I can't help but notice it appears to be aimed at you.

Without really paying much attention I move my hands over my swollen abdomen, the caresses that I'm planting there discreetly are calming you.

_And I know I let,_

_You have all the power,_

**"Darla?" **

Did someone say something? No? Great I'm hearing things now as well!

"**Darla, everything okay?" **Angel's taken both eyes of the road and is fixing me with that piercing stare of his.

He looks perfect. Not a fault in sight. I bet you really do look like him.

**"Yeah. Fine." **My voice sounds so pathetic, but I'm tired . . . so tired, and hungry.

Wesley places a concerned hand on my shoulder **"You all right?"**

"**It's nothing!" **I snapped gently.

You breathe.

So I breathe.

You hurt.

So I hurt.

You love.

So I love.

There's a moments silence before Angel alters his hold on the wheel, then glances back in the rear view at me.** "It's the kid, isn't it? Seeing him on the monitor."**

I look up.

He's right.

I thought I'd seen every sight there was too see, I've seen more of the inside of a human being than most doctors have, but seeing you . . . there, on that screen, blue you may have been but never in my life or my unlife have I seen something so deserving of marvel.

My parasite.

My demon.

My drug.

My son.

I looked at the back of Fred's head then back at Angel as I shake my hair from my eyes as I sniff against the cold air but it also helps to clear my eyes of the tears. **"No, I'm just disappointed that the vamp cult didn't kill all of you guys" **My voice is breaking, I tried to sound menacing, evil, didn't work, I sounded needy and compassionate "**So, where 're we going? I'm famished and we all know how ugly that can get." **

**"Where _are_ we going?" **Fred asks, thank God she did; coz either we would have gone back to the Darla's gone soft conversation or there would have been the worlds most uncomfortable silence.

Angel stiffens, and looks back at the road but every so often looks back at me **"Somewhere safe." **He said shortly.

**"Where's safe? The hotel is definitely out." **Cordelia states matter-of-factly.

**"How about if we go to..."**

**"Vegas? Sorry, Gunn, too high profile, but I agree we need to get out of dodge."**

Wesley leans forwards slightly, not removing his arm from around my shoulders for which I find myself glad, for some reason I'm getting cold? How the hell do I get cold?

**"Actually..." **

**"God! I hate it when you say that word! 'Actually' means that your oversized gi-normous brain thought of something that the rest of us failed to consider, right?"**

I tip my head back slightly and lean against his arm.

Then I realise what I'm leaning on and straighten up again.

**"Just, other people seem to know a lot more about this kid's importance than we do. The only thing that can help us is back at the hotel"** He was speaking to everyone then, even me.

Angel's grip on the wheel tightens as Wesley speaks again, this time it's aimed directly at Angel "**We can't protect your child unless we get the scrolls."**

His child, my child, our child.

You're our child.

Angel sighs, realising Wesley's right **"Okay then. Quick stop."**

I drop my gaze again.

I've been everything, seen everything, done _everything_. I've seen every part there is too see of the human body inside and out. I've travelled the world. I've been a human, I've been a childe, I've been a sire. I've watched acts of hate and of love, pain and compassion, need and desire. I've watched the only people I've ever cared in the slightest about live and die, had my hand in a few, I've seen them change, I've seen them choose.

I've hated so many.

Killed even more.

But one thing I've never, as far as I remember, is loved.

I love you.

_And I realise I'm never gonna,_

_Quit you over time,_

Everything I have ever known is no longer there. No longer matters.

I don't want too love you! I can't, I'm evil, if I love you I can't loose you, if I love you I can't hate you, if I love you then I don't think I can let them kill you.

**"Why 're we stopping here?" **Cordelia's voice slices through the silence that ahs reigned since Angel decided to get Wesley's scrolls for him.

Angel appears to have stopped the car in an alleyway.

**"It's only a couple of blocks from the hotel. I'll go the rest of the way on foot." **Angel gets out of the car as he's speaking.

As he surveys the building he's stood next too Cordelia slides into the driver's seat, taking the wheel.

"**Hey, who said you get to be wheel man?"** Gunn objects.

I can't see her face but I know Cordelia just rolled her eyes. She just seems like that kinda girl.

**"Who said it had to be a man?" **she replies, giving him a sarcastic look.

If I could be bothered I would smirk at the look on Gunn's face.

Angel leans forward onto the car.

**"The scrolls?" **he said.

I can sense the nervousness that edges his voice.

I'm nervous too.

Well _you're_ nervous.

I'm an uncaring dead bitch who has way better things to do.

Wesley looks up at Angel.

I wish he'd put that damn stake down, or point it somewhere else, preferably not at you or me.

**"In the cabinet back in the office."**

Angel nods **"If I'm not back in five minutes, leave without me." **He straightens up and walks round the back of the car, too the other side, looking straight up at the building he's about to climb

Cordelia's eyes follow him **"Leave to where?"**

Angel's not paying attention top her really, he's sizing up the jump he's about to make, trying to see the best and fastest route to the top** "Anywhere. Somewhere safe."**

The hotel's not safe, we all know that, he knows that, something is bound to be they're waiting for us. If he goes in there he might not come out again. He needs to know, I need to tell him . . .

**"Angel?" **I spoke suddenly, he can't go in there not knowing, I don't want him to go in there but I spent enough of my unlife with him to know that if you tell him no to do something he's already set his mind too, he'll do it anyway.

Angel gives me a hopeful look and says softly **"Yeah."**

His eyes are so captivating. They tell you everything, I can see the pain, the guilt, the loss, everything, everything the soul planted there. Sins of the past are paying their toll on the present. But I see something I didn't expect.

When I looked at him I was expecting resentment, hatred, denial, but I see none of that. I see love.

He loves me. Or you. Or both.

Why? Why love me? I hurt him, I made him, I'm the reason he's got the soul in the first place.

They're all watching me, waiting, expecting me to do something.

I can't.

I can't tell him what you're making me feel.

I can't tell him how scared I am.

How much I love you and him.

I just can't

I avert my gaze and lean back again, resting slightly, unnoticed on Wesley's side-it's really cramped back here, you think with the amount of money Angel has he'd be able to buy a car with space.

Yeah I like the car, and it does look expensive but why not buy one that has room for his friends and a pregnant woman?

**"Just get out of here."**

I'm pretending not to see the hurt that flashes in his eyes at that point so I, once again, stare firmly at my lap.

I can feel Angel watching me for a second longer before he jumps onto the hood of the car, then up and grabbing the bottom rung of the fire escape ladder before he climbs his way up the rest of the building and out of sight.

There's a lump in my throat. I should have told him.

I'm so scared. So lonely. So . . .

"You okay Darla?" Fred asks gently.

I nod, not making eye contact.

She's sweet, they all are, in their own annoying ways, they're all helping me, well probably they're helping Angel and because I'm carrying the baby I sorta come with the deal but it feels kinda nice to think they care.

"You sure? You want anything? You cold?" Wesley asks.

I shake my hair from my face and flash him a fake smile "I'm a vampire Wes, I don't get cold"

He looks sheepish as he breathes a little "Oh"

_It's like I can't breathe,_

_It's like I can't see anything,_

It's taking too long.

I don't know how long he's been gone but it feels like hours, he should have been in and out.

What if he ran in to trouble? What if a demon got him? Or another vampire cult? What if he's _dust_?

Wesley is sat on the trunk of the car facing Fred who got out shortly after Angel left.

Gunn's just shifted to sit on the side of the passenger door, near Cordelia.

I can smell the tension in the air.

No one will speak.

I can hear their hearts racing but none are racing as fast as yours, it's been years since I've listened to a heartbeat this loud, you're deafening me.

Cordelia starts the car.

**"He said five minutes!" **Gunn says in earnest.

Cordelia glances back at me then to Gunn again **"It's been six and a half." **She doesn't wanna leave but she knows that if Angel is back when he said he would be then something's happened.

"**This is so typical of him." **I say, my poor attempt at humour, all I achieve is sympathetic looks from Gunn and Cordelia and what I'm sure Fred thinks are comforting words but couldn't be further from.

**"It probably wouldn't hurt to wait another minute, right? I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen in another minute?"** she really is a sweet girl.

Cordelia gives the tiniest nod of her head and runs her fingers through her hair, resting her head on her palm as her elbow rest on the side of the door.

What was that? What are you doing in there? Shit! That hurt, stop it-

I scream.

Long and loud.

Shit this hurts! My God what are you doing in there? Stop it!

**"Ask a stupid question..." **

Not helping Fred! So not helping! Fuck! will you stop it? That hurts!

Wesley jumps down from his seat on the trunk and leans over the side of the car, his eyes skimming the seat and the floor of the car

**"Her water's broken. This is for real" **

My water's broken? You're kidding me right? You wanna be born? Here? Now? What are you stupid? This is not the time kiddo! So not the time.

Gunn jumps to his feet outside the car and leans in also, checking for himself.

"**There should be a blanket in the trunk." **Wesley looks at him, he looks really panicky.

Gunn nods, and unlocks the trunk before running round to it.

See how much trouble you're causing kid?

**"What are we gonna do? Deliver the kid right here? Shouldn't we go somewhere?" **

Yeah great idea there Cordy, now where we meant to go huh? Angel didn't know that's why we came here to get the scrolls.

Ow! Give it up already!

Wesley's thinking, I know, he wants to take me somewhere – ow! – okay, the first person to try and move me gets bitten got it? This is – ow- agony!

Fred looks nervously up at the fire escape Angel took nearly ten minutes ago **"What's keeping Angel?" **she shifts from foot to foot nervously.

Angel! Angel come here now! I can't do this, I so cannot do this, he got you here he sure as hell can get you out – give it up – I haven't the faintest idea what's keeping him but it sure better be good because I need him.

Gunn gets the blanket out of the trunk and passes it to Wesley who puts it on the seat next to me and takes my shoulders, easing me round, whispering softly to me. I can barely hear him over my own moans, this is worse than anything I've felt before and it's your entire fault, you're the miracle child who should never have been conceived.

Gunn takes my shoulders as Wesley lifts my feet to the seat, putting the blanket over me as I'm laid down on the back seat.

Angel better get here soon or somebody help him, if he's not already dust then he will be by the time I've finished with him.


	2. Part Two

**AUTHOR'S NOTE/Disclaimer: If you remember in "Lullaby" Darla starts arguing with herself after she threw Wes, Fred, Gunn and Cordy away from the car and again when the gang is protecting her from the Grapplar demons as they wait for Angel to return with the scrolls. I have the episode on DVD and have listened to both arguments so many times it gotten annoying and I can't for the life of me make out what she says so I made it up. Part from what I could hear, and part to go along with the sections of text surrounding it. I don't own the argument itself but it's not in bold because I made it up-does that make sense? **

My whole body feels like its on fire, in fact the only reason I'm so sure it's not is because I can still feel you in there, I'm not dust.

You got talons in there? It feels like your tearing at my stomach with them, this _hurts_, I'm talking serious hurt, I can't think straight, I can't move, I can't do anything, you're in there and you want to come out, I can't let you come out, I can't.

This seat is so uncomfortable, everything hurts, I'm writhing around trying to make it stop. Can't you here me kid? You. Can't. Come. Out.

_It's like I can't breathe,_

_It's like I can't see anything,_

**"She's gonna pop right here." **Gunn's panicking, they're all round me, I want them gone, I want no one here. I want to be alone but . . . I want Angel.

**"The contractions, they're coming more frequently now." **

Well you're quick aren't you? I'm rolling round in agony like I've never felt before and all you can say is that the contractions are coming closer together now. _I_ could have told you that. Hell _Cordelia_ could have told you that! It's obvious from the way I'm screaming my head off that they're coming more frequently.

**"You think?"** I would have grinned at her for pointing that out had it not been for the fact she has her stake pointing oh so closely to you.

She's not gonna stake you. No one is.

Wesley looks round the surrounding area** "Angel's not back with the scrolls yet. I'd feel a lot better if we had the ancient prophecies to guide us."**

I don't need scrolls! I need Angel, I need to be alone and I sure as hell don't want you out yet, so stop trying.

**"Please! Women have been giving birth without ancient prophecies for years!"** Cordelia says shooting Wesley an irritated look.

They so better not start bickering, if they do I'll . . . I'll . . . who am I kidding? I can't do anything to them, you know I said I loved you? Well I am seriously re thinking that statement, I am on fire from the neck down I swear.

**"What we could really use right about now is some Vaseline and a catcher's mitt." **Gunn glances up at everyone, he's been staring at my stomach, a petrified look on his face for a while now.

You bastard. I'm having a god for saken fucking baby and you're making stupid cracks. Wanna do something helpful? Get Angel, and stop this baby from being-

I scream, loudly, very, very loudly.

Please, please stop it, you won't live if you come out, none of you will, not you, not daddy's friends, maybe not even daddy, I'm not like you, I'm soulless. Dead. A creature of the night who takes great pleasure in drinking the blood of the living.

Fred glances at me but I ignore her, I'm not interested in her well meant but often inappropriate words of comfort, as I've said before all I'm interested in is her and the rest of Angel's little gang leaving me the hell alone.

**"I don't think she's ready to deliver yet, but she's moved into the active stage of her labour."**

Active? Surely that can't be good. Shit, no that's definitely not good, if the searing pains you causing me moving slightly lower are any indication, it couldn't be any worse.

You are one hell of a disobedient kid you know that? You're supposed to do what I tell you too, and you're blatantly ignoring me.

Wesley takes a few steps towards the mouth of the alley and looks around nervouslybefore turning back round to face us **"We have to go. We can't stay here. It's too exposed. Angel should have been back by now."**

Angel, no, nothing can have happened to him, I need him, I need him now. I can't do this on my own, if he's here he can make it easier, he always does, in his own little way he'll make it easier.

**"Something must have happened."** Gunn agrees with Wesley, stop it! Stop it everyone, he's fine, I know he is, he's just being Angel, he'll come, he'll arrive just in the nick of time. Like he always has and always will.

_Nothing but you,_

_I'm addicted to you,_

**"Now it's up to us to protect Angel's unborn child"**

Now we're talking, so less of the stakes being pointed at me, less of the bickering and more of the retrieving, we get Angel back we'll all be fine. Wesley looks at me

"**Darla, we're trying to take you out of here. Relax. The trick is to breathe. Something like this"** He starts demonstrating short deep breaths, something I'm sure would help a mother to be who was actually ALIVE.

I glower at him, stupid British asshole, are they all this stupid? **"I. Don't" **I sit up, with difficulty, but I do and with some burst of power I throw them all backwards, serves them right, with their stupid breathing exercises, stupid comments and god awful attempts at trying to make me feel better. "**Breathe!"**

I can't control the demon in me, the demon _is_ me, the _real_ me, all I'm feeling all my need it's because of you. The demon is stronger than this me. The demon might be able to handle the pain. My vampire face overtakes my human mask, but not for long, maybe a moment or two.

The bloodlust is even stronger when I'm "vamped out" it wants to run, to hunt and to kill, it wants to feed, it wants to kill you.

The tears are burning my eyes and the sobs escape before I even think about stopping them.

Forcing myself forth again my human mask slides back on.

It's getting harder, so much harder, even when you've stopped moving and the contractions have stopped, it still gets harder, you still want to come out, you still want to leave me. And I can't, no _won't_ let you do that.

Through the corner of my eye I see Gunn and Fred get to their feet and looking up slightly I notice that Cordelia's already dusting herself down. They look at each other and look over at Wesley, as do I. I think I threw him farthest as he seems to be unconscious still.

"C'mon" Gunn says as he and Fred go over to him.

Cordelia kneels down in front of him and slaps his face lightly, he doesn't wake up.

I wipe my eyes and look up at them, their backs are facing me so the don't actually notice that I'm no longer in vampire face and that I'm watching them.

For a second it occurs to me that I may have killed him but then I hear his heartbeat loud and clear and the trace of guilt that had touched me slightly vanishes instantly.

Fred leans forwards, her hands on her knees and Gunn crouches down between the both of them.

**"Smack him again."** He says, looking at Cordelia, she glances at him and does as she was asked.

Wesley shifts slightly and says, in a rather unimpressed tone** "Ow." **He sits up and puts a hand on the back of his head, presumably where he hit his head, I should apologise really. I should but I won't.

**"That hurts." **He says quietly, massaging the obviously sore area at the back of his head.

**"Well, you know what they say: birth -painful."**

**"Yes, but generally for the mother, not the bystanders" **He puts his glasses back on and takes Gunn's hand as he helps him to his feet **"How long have I been out?" **He glances at the others a moment before looking straight at me along with the others.

**"Not long, but we seem to be between contractions now."** Fred folds her arms and pulls him flimsy jacket tighter round herself.

"I can't . . . but if I do . . . why isn't he here? You're there . . . I'm here . . . maybe . . . yes . . . I don't know . . . but what if . . . doesn't make sense . . . no . . .it's stopped. . . Why's it stopped? Shouldn't have stopped . . . You're not coming"

I run my fingers lightly over my eyelids and hold out my hands as if weighing both sides of an argument, not sure why I'm doing that but I am.

**"Yep. She's been doing that." **Cordelia says, sounds to me like she's being a little judgmental.

She says it like I'm doing something I shouldn't be. I'm trying to make head or tail of this situation, there are so many thoughts and feeling running through my head I have no idea what to do, what to say, how to feel, it's happening so fast and I haven't got a clue what you're doing or where Angel is.

**"Hormones."** Gunn whispers to Wesley who ignores him, looks sideways at Cordelia and comes towards the car.

_It's like I can't think,_

_Without you interrupting me,_

"**Come on then" **he sighs **"Darla?" **he says loudly.

"But if the pain's stopped . . . then you're still in there . . . shouldn't be . . . you should be gone . . . doesn't hurt anymore . . . Angel's not here . . . doesn't make sense . . . nothing makes sense . . . not any more . . ."

"**Darla, do you feel well enough to travel?" **

I jump slightly and ignoring the funny looks the gang seems to be shooting at me I nod, shifting to sit straight in my seat and pulling my jacket closer round me-stupid thing keeps loosening. I keep flashing from hot to cold, seemingly impossible for a vampire but then again so is the ability to conceive and . . . well . . . look at me.

"**Good." **Wesley gets into the drivers seat whilst the other three move round to the other side and pile in the front as well, Cordelia in the middle, Gunn on the right and Fred on his lap.

**"Doesn't anyone wanna sit back here with me?" **

Cordelia shoots me a sarcastic look, still hasn't forgiven me for biting her I see, well I am a vampire, biting people is what I do, I mean how stupid do you have to be to discuss blood and food with a hormonal, pissed of pregnant vampire?** "We're good." **She says.

I can't help but feel a little put out. I was only tying to make nice with Angel's friends; after all they are helping me. In a strange and totally confusing way they _are_ helping plus, in my current state I'm not gonna do anything that would give Angel cause the throw me somewhere and then have to fight him; I've already done that once and fun as it was to hit him. I don't particularly want to start crying into his chest again.

Gunn must have seen my face when he looked back because he smiled at me** "Yeah, it's - comfy." **He glances at Fred and smiles a little more, he likes her. I can tell.

I sigh, maybe I could get someone to sit back here with me if I promise to sit still **"I promise I won't throw anyone out of the car" **wait that sounded so unlike me and if they pissed me off again I can't guarantee it won't happen so I add as an after thought "**Not while it's moving."**

Fred looks back at me and sounds almost sympathetic when she says, **"It's not that we don't trust you" **she hesitates then corrects herself** "I mean, we _don't_ trust you. But the fact is, your water broke all over the back seat." **What is it with that girl? She says something that sounds like she's genuinely concerned or whatever then goes and says something like 'we don't trust you'

**"Oh." **At least part of what she said had meaning, it is kinda gross back here, and I'm uncomfortable enough being anywhere near it so I can hardly expect someone else to sit in it can I?

Cordelia, Fred and Gunn look forwards again and Cordelia waits a second before looking up at Wesley** "What? What are you waiting for?"**

Wesley inclines his head towards her slightly **"I presume we have a tire iron in the trunk?" **he says slowly.

Gunn leans forwards slightly to see past Fred and Cordelia **"Yeah, why? We got a flat?"** he asks.

A flats good, we can fix a flat well _he_ can fix a flat, so long as there isn't any more vampires around, looking to kill me and you.

Wesley looks around the car, we all keep our eyes on him, what's he talking about? Whatever it is he's beginning to un-nerve me . . . I mean you . . . I mean . . .argh!

**"And how about a hurling axe, or some sort of heavy mallet?" **He looks round to the back of the car and this time we all turn with him.

Grapplar demons.

Lots, and lots of Grapplar demons.

They're all coming out of the shadows, they're growling softly, so softly I think I'm probably the only one that can hear them.

We turn back to face the front, the Grapplars are getting closer and closer to the car.

**"Also a shotgun wouldn't be a terrible thing at this juncture." **He sounds calm but judging by the racing of his heart he's panicking, mind you I'm panicking, I think he has every right to be.

This is all your fault you know, if you weren't here I would be off hunting something, not stuck in the back seat of Angel's car whilst being tracked down by every demon and vampire in this damned city-what is it with this city; City of Angels? I mean come on; did he have to pick this place to live in? Apart from the fact he's _called_ Angel, this place is full of anything but angels, murderers, demons, vampires, rapists, drug dealers, they're on every corner, everyone is this place has something to hide and they live in a city that supposedly full of angels? Sounds like a big joke to me.

The gang have jumped out of the car and are fighting desperately, those Grapplars are hard to slay at the best of times and even harder when there's barely any weapons to use, it seems that every time they slay one another one comes out to take it's place.

Where's Angel? Angel should be back by now, I don't have a watch but I know that it must have been at least ten minutes? What if he's been attacked?

"Maybe I should help them . . . but if I help them then you might die . . . but they're protecting me . . . Angel needs to come back . . . not sure . . . you should go . . . contractions have stopped . . . you're not kicking . . . need blood . . . hungry . . . want food . . . need to get out of here"

**"Keep them away from the car!" **Wesley callsout, smacking a Grapplar upside the head with his weapon.

**"Don't let them get behind you!" **Gunn leaps over to Fred and swings the baseball bat over her head as she ducks, dislocating a Grapplar's jaw.

Cordelia whacks one demon across the chest repeatedly when he goes to seize her neck.

"Soul . . . I have a soul . . .a baby . . . this is stupid . . . why am I here? No place to bring up a baby . . ."

Wesley cries out in pain as he's lifted bodily by the demons and is thrown onto the trunk of the car.

I throw my hands up in the air. This is ridiculous, I shouldn't be here, I should never have come. I don't need their help, I'm fine. I'm a master vampire. I fight _alone_.

Shaking my head I manage with more ease than I'd expected to clamber into the driver's seat. Right, now I'm here where are the keys?

I don't look up when I hear Fred shriek in terror:

"**Charles!" **

Then she breathes a sigh of relief when Gunn clobbers the Grapplar a few times and reaches the girl **"Thanks"** she whispers breathlessly.

Keys! Here they are, I fumble with them a second and succeed in jamming them into the ignition.

_In my thoughts,_

_In my dreams,_

They're still fighting as the engine springs to life and I put the car into gear. I'm feeling almost guilty as I see them having their, and kicking asses, so I put my foot down and the car shoots forwards, jumping slightly at the sudden burst of speed.

The Grapplars I just mowed down make a kind of low moan as they're crushed under the car, I don't give much thought to it as I slam on the breaks, the car's suspension protesting loudly at the vicious movements. I turn slightly in my seat and back over another Grapplar, once more there's another moan but it makes me feel sort of nauseous, me? I mean you. And whilst we're on the topic of you what are you doing in there? On second your tearing my insides to pieces, the next you just stop?

Ignoring the startled looks on Team Angel's faces I reverse further and slam on the accelerator again, shooting out of the alleyway, leaving them staring after me in awe, breathing heavily and lowering their weapons.

Once I've turned the corner I can't see them any more. Actually now I'm more than a little concerned.

You're not moving anymore.

You're not kicking.

You're not punching me.

You're not doing anything.

The most worrying thing is the soft thumps I've just begun to take slight comfort in are dimming, it's getting harder to hear them.

And the slowly beat of a human heart is never good. Well not for them anyway.

"You okay in there?" Okay, I can't believe I'm talking to you, well out loud anyway.

I must look insane, wait no one can-woah! I look up (I hadn't even noticed I'd looked down) to see a pick up truck heading straight for me, I swerve and they blare their horn at me.

I glance upwards, at the sky. It's an inky black, occasionally you can see a slightly less dark patch of sky, indicating clouds. Not a star in sight. Not that you can see any stars in this hellhole anyway. Dru loved the stars, she was always talking to them, insisted she could hear them telling her their secrets, she'd spend hours naming them. It annoyed me to no end in the beginning, Angelus ignored her when she started about them mostly and when William came along he would just sit with her, in silence, whether they were outside actually looking at them or inside and she was imagining them. The only time I ever saw him sit still and silent now I think about it, although he did speak a little when they were inside, mostly to point out there weren't any stars inside but after that he was quiet, mainly because she ignored his comments.

Not being able to see the stars makes me feel a little claustrophobic. I'm beginning to understand why Drusilla loved them so much.

_You've taken over me,_

_It's like I'm not me,_

_It's like I'm not me,_

If Angel's your daddy that must mean that Drusilla's your sister, in some strange way, that would make Penn your brother and Spike your nephew, okay that is weird.

Really weird.

But then your impossible, the child that should never have been, never conceived.

Mommy's little miracle.

Although the weirdest thing has to be quite possibly that you're your own mother's uncle and your own father's brother.

This trying to figure how everyone in our little vampire "family" is related to you and in how many different ways is making my head spin. Technically impossible but in these past few hours I've become to learn; nothing is impossible, absolutely nothing, if a vampire can conceive and carry a human child too term then I'll accept anything

I pull up in the alleyway by a tall building, a staircase leading up to the roof.

I need to get out of this city, I need to be out of this world. The entire place is intoxicating.

I open the door and go over to the stairs, gripping the rails with both hands I begin my steady ascent.

I hate going upstairs when I'm this size, I can't see where my feet are, but then again it's not much unlike when I wore those long dresses, back before it was even vaguely acceptable for a woman to be seen, even dead, in a pair of pants, so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

I reach the top.

Still no stars.

God I'm as mad as Drusilla, searching for the stars on a cloudy night in the middle of a major city.

The roaring of the cars below me echo through my head. Each horn. Each purr of the engine. Each cry of a young girl as some demon or vampire or some sort pulled her the back of some club the girl's parents would most likely disapprove of their daughters being within a hundred feet of, and feed off her in some way shape or form.

I walk slowly to the edge, street lamps illuminating the main roads of the city, leaving the ones that turned off in pitch darkness. There are a few cars on the roads, not many, but enough to make me physically sick at the foul exhaust fumes being released.

Enough for me to want to protect you from that smell and everything associated with it.

The air reeks of death and pain, something my demon crows with delight at the scent of. Something you cry in terror at.

Is that why the contractions have stopped? You don't want to come out? You don't want to be in a world where there is so much anger. So much hate. So much hurt.

Because you're human.

I caress my stomach gently. Don't change your mind. Don't leave. If you leave then I can't protect you. You leave and the greatest danger to you will be me; your vessel. Your carrier. Your mother.

I love you and I can't even stop it, it hurts to love you. It feels like I'm choking, like I'm trying to breathe and my throats closed in. Almost like I'm suffocating.

**"You always did love a view." **

Angel.

I don't turn round, despite the weight that's been lifted off my chest knowing he's okay.

**"Look at it. Listen to it. Can you smell it? This world. This horrible world. Why would anyone want to bring a baby into it?" **My voice is quiet and soft. I can't even hear myself speak over the noise.

The roaring bellow that is the world and the people in it, the screams, the pleas, the salty tears that sting my nostrils as I inhale un-necessarily.

He was right, I do, or did love a view. Being able to see everything, being above everything gives you a strange yet thrilling sense of power. Like being behind the wheel of a car and flooring the accelerator.

**"To make it better, maybe?" **He says.

How can one child make the world better? It took a lot more that one child to make the world the way it is. To make it so unfair, so harsh, so cruel. So damn hard to understand.

**"Or to destroy it finally."** I whisper in reply.

My son.

The destroyer.

The thing in Wesley's prophecy; the one brought from darkness to bring darkness.

There's no darker heritage than that off the Scourge of Europe and his Sire.

I hear Angel shift from foot to foot, still I don't turn round, enthralled by the street lamps down below.

He sighs.** "Why is it everyone insists on planning my son's future before he's even born?" **

Because, my sweet boy, your son isn't supposed to be here. His future, his birth, his presence is all prophesised. And there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it

_It's like I'm lost,_

_It's like I'm giving up slowly,_

You don't want to be born, I don't want you to be born. You don't have to be born.

I turn to face him, his eyes darkened pools of emotion, joy, fear, and the ever present guilt that drove him away all those long years ago. The guilt that had stopped him from turning me back into a vampire after Lindsey and his little law firm had had their game at playing God. The guilt that had led to Drusilla turning me. Lucky I'd been a vampire before seeing as that girl couldn't sire a flea. Which would have been why she left Angelus to teach her "Willy" as she fondly referred to him as the night she brought him home. She was useless, insane and yet strangely likeable.

I stalk passed him, and onto a lower level of the roof, but still a long way from the ground.

**"Alright then, how's this? It doesn't have a future. Not with me." **I snap.

You don't, whether you're born or not you don't have a future. The second you're born you will die. I'm soulless. I'm hungry and without your soul to anchor me I'm a goddamned sadist.

_It's like you're a ghost,_

_That's haunting me,_

_Leave me alone_,

Angel follows me. **"Darla..." **There's a kind of don't-be-so-melodramatic tone to his voice. Had I not been pregnant that tone would have earned him a fight. Then again was I not pregnant and I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have spent the last nine months travelling all over the world visiting shamans and oracles, psychics and magical doctors. Had I not been pregnant then I wouldn't feel like I'm dying of starvation. And I wouldn't feel like I'm being torn in two with every un-needed breath I take. For with every breath, every second, I know the time I have left to feel this hell is slowly slipping away and I don't remember and don't want to remember what it feels like not to feel like this.

I don't want to remember what it feels like not to love you.

I don't want to remember.

**Right, there ya go, part 2. Part 3 will be up as soon as possible but I'm not gonna rush it so it could be a month or so, depends whether my muse decides to bugger off again. I only got inspired again after watching _Inside Out_ and that really cruel scene where Darla appears to Connor and he has to choose who to believe Cordelia or his mother!**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it's getting gradually harder and harder to write and so I hope I've managed to make it work.**

**Thank you all who have reviewed and those who have read it. But please keep doing so! I barely have any reviews for this but well over two hundred hits!**


	3. Part Three

"**Angel, I can't have this baby."**

I can't. We both know that, letting you out would be cruel and unfair. I wouldn't be able to protect you. For once you leave . . .

**"What?" **He jumps a little to catch up with me, confusion lacing his voice. What I wouldn't give to hear that voice everyday for eternity, so soothing, and soft, gentle.

I shake my head and keep walking** "I can't let it out. I-I can't." **

He has to understand.

I have to make him understand.

I know I'm selfish, I know wanting to keep you is inconsiderate but I can't bring myself to let you go. I can't bring myself to risk everything you've made me feel since you were conceived.

**"Okay, not sure you have a lot of choice in the matter..." **He trailed off.

_And I know these voices in my,_

_Head are mine alone,_

Please Angel! Please, my darling boy you have to try and understand me, I can't do this, I can't let our son go, because once I do . . . I whirl round to face him, bringing us both to a halt.

**"Look, I know. It wants to come out. I can feel it. It's ready. It's just - I can't let it. I can't let because... because..."**

I can't say it, how pathetic am I? I can't even bring myself to tell your father how much I love you, my baby. My human baby.

If I can't say it maybe he can.

If he can't understand what I'm feeling through words maybe, just maybe, he can look inside me with those hypnotising eyes of his.

He can strip me down like he does every time he looks at me and he can see me for real. What I'm feeling, the way I hurt, the way that I'm terrified yet basking in pure joy at the same time.

He looks at me and says quite simply, as if he's known all along** "You love it."**

God yes, I love you more than life itself, which considering it's coming from the mouth of a dead thing doesn't mean all that much but it's the meaning behind those words that counts.

I look up at him, and smile, letting loose a breath I hadn't realised I'd held. It's almost as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. **"Completely. I love it completely" **I turn my back on him and walk forward a few paces, I need space, besides, I can't look at him, I can't stand the look on his face. I feel so . . . complete, strangely. All encompassed.** "I-I-I don't think I've ever loved anything as much as this life that's inside of me." **My hands, once more find themselves caressing my stomach.

It's a miracle.

My sweet, darling child is in there.

My child.

My baby.

You.

My demon.

My parasite.

My drug.

My sickly sweet drug.

Addicted, totally, completely, addicted to you.

**"Well - you've never _loved_ anything, Darla." **He says it so nervously as if he's almost afraid of my reaction, I don't blame him, I'm not the most even tempered person he'll have ever come across.

His words don't anger me for they are the truth, I've never loved anything, anyone.

As a human I was an unloved, penniless street whore. Then I was a vampire, they don't love, well there is the odd exception, Drusilla's 'pet' being one of them, but for the majority we don't love.

It's a human trait wearing you're heart on your sleeve, a weakness.

That's why humans are so weak, they open up, let themselves love and be loved in return and get their hearts trampled in the process, William being, once more, an example in that department.

**"That's true" **I look up a moment, and find myself nodding in agreement **"Four hundred years and I never did - till now" **I'm looking back down at you, staring so hard that it's almost as if I can see you. Your tiny body curled up inside mine, your even tinier thumb in your mouth as you sleep. You must be sleeping, there's no more contractions, no kicking. You have to be sleeping, I refuse to believe that little voice in the back of my head that's telling me something's wrong, that something terrible is wrong.

I turn to face him, looking him straight in the eye, his critical gaze flicking over my body. **"I don't know what to do." **I confess softly.

You have to understand what I mean by that, please, I don't know how else to tell you.

_And I know I'll never change my ways,_

_If I don't give you up now,_

He's silent.

Please Angel, please my darling boy, my sweet childe, tell me what to do, how to make everything all right again.

My vision is fading, everything's blurring together and the only thing that seems clear is the baby, the only thing my mind seems anywhere near capable of comprehending is that I'm pregnant. I need someone to tell what I have to do because I'm loosing it.

He stumbles over his words, something he rarely does. A solution, please have a solution, please just make everything okay again, make me understand what I have to do.

**"Well, you-you'll do the only thing that you can do. - You'll have it"**

This isn't a solution; you're dreaming my sweet.

This is reality, there is no happily ever afterin the real world, this is life, okay? I can't have this child, I can't care for it, love it. I can't even give it what it's supposed to have; a living, breathing mother.

He takes a tentative step towards me and I stiffen, I'm so scared, so, so scared, I just want it over. Just want it over.

"**You'll have it and then..."**

This isn't a fairytale Angel! I'm not one of your cases or your innocents. I'm real okay? And you can't fix everything, you can't fix me and hoping that somehow I'll still be able to love this baby after I've had it is just a fantasy.

**"What? We'll raise it?"** I snap, you're just making it harder now Angel, so much harder.

How am I supposed to accept the fact that I have a choice to make and not to long to do it if you won't even help me.

Get out of your dream world Angel, open your eyes.

I'm broken and you can't fix me, no matter how much you want to or I wish you could.

He frowns in confusion and steps forward, his hand outstretched. I dodge him, he's not going to touch you, not now.

You're mine, I'm not letting him anywhere near you, I'm not letting anyone touch you, I don't have much longer left with you, that much of which I'm certain.

**"Why not?"**

I push passed him and go back towards the stairs, gripping the bar tightly and looking down. **"It's impossible."**

**"This whole thing is impossible, Darla, but it's happening." **I hear him turn round and follow me 'til he's stood behind me,

I can feel a burning behind my eyes and a lump rising in my throat, **"What do I have to offer a child?" **I turn to face him, tears pricking painfully at my eyes and the lump getting harder and harder to talk around **"A _human _child, besides ugly death?"**

Angel make it all better, please Angel make it all better, fix me, stick me back together again, I'm falling to pieces before your very eyes and your just standing there, how loud do I have to scream before you realise I'm not untouchable? Before you'll make everything right? Take me into your fantasy, help me believe that there is some hope.

**"Darla." **

No! Angel don't! Don't make it hurt anymore that it already does, I need to hope, I need to trust you. I need you to fix me.

**"You know it's true." **Everything is so hard. Walking, talking.

I'm so damn tired, all I want to do is sleep but I can't because if I do, when I wake up you might not be there anymore, I have to stay awake to see you at least once before I kill you.

Angel, I'm begging you! You have to make things right! Take me out of this nightmare, take me somewhere where I know everything's gonna be okay. I trust you Angel, make it right.

**"No. What I do know is that you love this baby, our baby. You've bonded with it. You've spent nine months carrying it, nourishing it..."**

No! Stop it! Take me away, pretend I'm one of your innocents, just make it stop, make it all stop.

Let me sleep, let me just fall asleep knowing that when I wake up my baby won't be gone.

**"No. No, I haven't been nourishing it. I haven't given this baby a thing. I'm dead. It's been nourishing me. These feelings that I'm having, they're not mine. They're coming from it." **

How can humans handle it? The emotions that run through them? Feeling so many all at once? Love, fear, anger, pain, hatred, exhaustion? It's more agonising than any form of torture I've ever seen.

At least with hot pokers you know and they know it will end. There's a searing burn as it enters and your body instinctively tries to fend off the intrusion but then it stops, tiredness takes over the rest of your body but that just . . . it's numb, until it's taken out of course, but its like you can't feel it whilst its in there, it becomes the most comfortable part of your body.

Emotions . . . they burn your chest and explode in your head making you feel like your spinning. You can scream so loudly on the inside and no one will hear you. Emotional torture is the worst.

I can't think, I can't feel, I can't understand anything because your feelings, your soul is interrupting and it's driving me crazy.

I don't even know what I want any more.

**"You don't know that." **He says in earnest, glancing down at my abdomen again.

**"Of course I do! We both do. Angel, I don't have a soul. It does. And right now that soul is inside of me, but soon, it won't be and then..."**

And then . . . And then the consequences will be too hard to bear, I can't loose you baby, I can't forget how this feels, ever. If I do then I know I've lost you and I can't do that. Not now. Not how I know how it feels to love something this much. To love something to the point where everything else dims.

**"Darla..." **

I'm beginning to wonder whether or not he just says my name for the hell of it, he sure does say it a lot, especially without adding anything to it.

Take me away Angel. Take me into your dreams. Take me somewhere I won't loose my baby.

_It's like I can't breathe,_

_It's like I can't see anything,_

I look up at him, straight into his eyes, his face. He has to understand this time. He just has too.

**"I won't be able to love it. I won't even be able to remember that I loved it" **This hurts so much, I've never felt so strongly about anything, not the Master, not my vampire life, not Angelus, not any of my vampire family. Loosing Angelus to his soul was less painful than loving you. The tears that have been flooding my eyes fall, fast and heavy down my cheeks, the lump comes loose as I sob out **"I want to remember."**

The next thing I know his strong arms are encircling my now heaving shoulders; pulling me the short distance between us and wrapping his body round mine. I don't resist, I feel so safe in his arms, like he really can make everything all right again. Like he really can fix me.

I tuck my head under his chin, inhaling his own unique scent mixed with the leather of his jacket and . . . smoke? Like he's been near an explosion? I don't care, so long as he's here.

My sobs become harder and harder to harness so I just let go, completely let loose, crying softly into his broad chest.

Whilst one of his arms keeps me held securely to his chest, his free hand creeps up and cups the back of my head, petting my hair **"Shh..." **he whispers softly, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. This show of affection, however insignificant only makes me cry harder, the emotionally talons tearing ever harder at my chest. I shift my head slightly so it rest over the exact spot his un-beating heart is, his hand does not shift from it's position on the back of my head and I don't make any movement to insist he does.

We stand this way for a long time, a few moments after my crying subsides he releases me and holds me at arms length, his warm gaze fixed on me.

I pull away and turn my back to him, I can't stand his pitiful expression . . . the pure love that seems to radiate from his very being and hold me so tightly in a warm embrace that I almost believe that he's heard my silent pleas, and has taken me some where safe, somewhere where I can close my eyes without fear of loosing my precious little miracle.

It's kind of strange you know? I mean I know I'm not technically his Sire any more but it feels that way and I can tell he feels that way too. So by rights I should not be leaning on him, pleading for support, asking for help. A sire never asks the childe to help them, at least not in the way I'm asking him. A sire never, ever becomes almost fully dependable on their childe. Then again our little family was never one for the rules and lore of the vampire world, or indeed any world.

He doesn't say a word and I'm thankful. I need to figure out what I need to do, what to say, not that I've succeeded so far but the feeling of trying is a triumph in itself I guess.

I know when he next speaks the protective bubble that seemingly formed the moment he held me will shatter, and I will once more feel vulnerable.

Without turning round I say very quietly **"You won't let me hurt it, will you? You'll protect it, right? From me, I mean."**

An uncomfortable silence follows which is broken a moment later by Angel's cell phone ringing.

**"Yeah . . . Is it safe? . . ." **he hangs up and pockets the phone.

I'm about to ask him what's going on when a bolt of pain pierces through my lower abdomen, I double over and grasp a nearby post to steady myself. I can't suppress the pain filled moan that escapes.

**"Hey - Darla? We should - get going. I feel a storm coming. You okay? Another contraction?" **He puts a gentle hand on the base of my back as I straighten up. Regretfully that action causes another spasm of pain. I bite my lip to ignore it.

**"No. It's something else."**

This isn't happening.

The pain . . . it's worse than the contractions. This is like hot pokers are being pushed through my lower stomach, an ache fills my chest as I realise that the "poker" is hitting you as well.

"C'mon" Angel puts his arm round my waist and the other across my front, taking my hand "let's get you out of here"

I would normally protest at being treated like any invalid but-ahh . . . shit . . . no . . . no, please no . . . not now . . . please not now.

"Easy does it, there, now down the stairs" he half lifts me onto the staircase. I feel so . . . spent, all of a sudden . . . exhausted, like I haven't fed in days and slept in even longer.

_Nothing but you,_

_I'm addicted to you,_

The next thing I know I'm in his car, and he's driving as fast as he can go without breaking the speed limit. I don't know where we're going and I don't care.

I double over again, there's a tearing at my insides, like when I knife cuts through your skin, it slides through so easily, like its entering butter. I can feel . . . my insides . . . I think their bleeding . . . oh god, no baby, don't leave me, my sweet, darling little miracle, don't leave, please just . . . just hold on baby . . .

"You're okay" Angel's hand is on my back as I rest my forehead against the dashboard, "You're fine Darla, you're gonna be fine"

Not fine, never fine, I can't ever be fine. Not now, not ever, you've changed me boy, you're changed me in ways I didn't possibly imagine, I'm loving and it hurts and yet I don't care, not any more.

"We're here, come on let's get you inside"

The steady purr of the engine has stopped and I sit up, looking at him. We're parked in front of that club I came too last time I was here, when I was human . . . Caritas. . .

"What . . . what're we doing here?" I ask him, frowning slightly in confusion.

"Lorne and Wesley are putting up some spells, it's the safest place in town right now"

I nod, blinking as the rain drips from my hair and down my face.

The droplets cling to his hair, it stays spiked up 'coz it's not raining so hard yet, and they glisten as lightening forks overhead.

He opens his door and gets out. As he comes over to my side of the car to help me out I open the door and am about half way out before I cry out again, the pain . . . it's like being burned, a scorching, searing feeling . . . I can't be bleeding in there . . . I can't . . . you can't . . .

He puts his arms round me as we head towards the stairs down into the club, I'm leaning on him; he must be supporting over half my weight. Our weight, your weight, my weight . . . all the same . . . blood is blood . . .

**"Just a few more steps. That's it. Okay. All right."**

Wesley comes over to us as we make it to the bottom of the stairs, I can't really see him; my eyes are closing all on their own

**"Guys. A chair. Chair."**

Wesley jumps to it, hearing the instruction in his voice rather than the request. Angel continues to partly carry me over to the chair.

**"Jeez, what happened?" **Gunn queries as Angel helps me into the chair and releases me.

I suppress a shudder as a chill seems to breeze over me at the loss of contact, I need to feel someone there, someone other than me because if I don't how can I be sure it's not all a hallucination?

**"Easy." **Angel says.

_It's like I can't think,_

_Without you interrupting me,_

**"Thanks." **The word slips from my lips with surprising ease, I guess I've either gotten to the point where I don't have to pretend to act nice round Angel's pets or I'm finally just too tired to care anymore.

I think it's the latter. I ignore the shocked glances Fred and Cordelia are giving each other and I look up, and see Gunn looking from Angel to Wesley who jerks his head to one side slightly, indicating that he needed to talk to the ex-watcher in private

It seems that Cordelia has gotten over the initial shock of me thanking them and whispers quiet **"You're welcome"**

Fred follows her lead, I almost dread what she's going to say, that girl has the amazing ability to put her foot in her mouth every time she opens it **"You gave us quite a scare. - But - I guess you're used to that, what with being a scary thing and all." **There she goes again, rambling, stuttering over her words.

We all jump a little, as there's a loud rumble of thunder, look at me, scary master vampire scared of a little thunder.

I love thunderstorms, well listening to them anyhow; being out in them is not so fun. Thunderstorms . . . they make me feel so powerful, so strong, like nothing can touch me. Guess I was wrong about that too. I'm wrong about a lot of things I've come to notice. There's more to life than ruining it, there's more to unlife than killing and maiming and hunting, there's love, and there's pain. The kind of pain only love can bring.

Why do humans love just too get their hearts broken? That's a question that's lingered in my mind for a long time now. A very long time.

**"Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I don't know what got into me." **I'm apologising? To humans? Angel's humans? Angelus had a few humans once, they never lasted long, his pets they were, he'd torture them and play with them a bit, drinking just enough for them to being too loose consciousness before he'd play some more then when he got bored of hearing the same wails of agony over and over he'd drain them dry.

Something tells me that unless he achieves perfect happiness again that won't be happening to this lot any time soon.

That thought makes me laugh, the same body but a different person, a soul, something so simple as a soul can change everything, like a word, one word can destroy or delight someone.

They say laughter can be the greatest medicine, will it make you better? Make me better? If I laugh and keep laughing will it fix everything?

I can hear Wesley and Angel talking in hushed voices in the corner.

**"She's in a lot of pain."**

Not any more . . . not much pain . . .numb . . .slow . . .it's like dying all over again.

**"How frequent are the contractions?"**

Contractions? I'd forgotten about them . . .

**"It's been... I don't know, maybe an hour?"**

**"An hour? She was well into the active stage of labour. I don't understand."**

Active stage . . . if I was in the active stage of labour and the labour's stopped . . . that means . . . there's a complication? I can't miscarry, not now, it's too far along isn't it? Someone please tell me my baby is going to be okay!

**"I don't either. She just - stopped having them."**

**"But the pain she's experiencing?"**

**"She says she's experiencing something else."**

**"That's worrying."**

I barely hear Wesley reply as I double over again and moan in pain, Cordelia panics and calls for Angel.

Angel hurries over **"Darla?"**

My eyes search for his, I can smell blood, my blood! I'm bleeding, not just on the inside any more either! My baby, my sweet little miracle, my drug, my demon my son, my darling baby boy don't do this . . . stay, you can stay, you can stay, you can stay.

I grasp his arm tightly and whisper a desperate **"Angel!"**

**"Let's get her into my bedroom. Come on." **Lorne says helping me up, and practically carried to his bedroom by him and Angel.

**"Easy. Easy now. Come on, sweetheart. We'll get you right in there."**

Still with the pet names, but I'm past caring now, I'm bleeding, I'm loosing my baby, the one thing in life I've never wanted I now have and I wouldn't give him up for all the blood in the world, mine. You're mine baby, mine only. My precious bundle of a miracle.

They ease me so I'm lying down on his bed.

It's so soft, so welcoming, I'll close my eyes now . . .just for a second . . .just until they've finished . . .

I can sense that Angel's still stood in the doorway as Fred and Wesley continue their examination.

They're quick I'll give them that, quick and thorough not that I have the faintest idea what they're looking for, well besides your heartbeat but I can hear that, it's not like they have to check any of my vitals is it? They stopped working over four centuries ago.

**"Is she gonna be okay?"** Angel whispers as they go back over to him, concern and desperation is coming off of him in rays.

That's comforting in one sense and terrifying in another.

**"She's tough as nails." **Wesley says, get to the point watcher-boy! I know that tone of voice; I know the added smell to your scent. I know you're avoiding what he's really asking.

**"And immortal, so that's, you know, in her favour - health wise." **Fred adds onto what's already been said, masking the truth and hoping to deviate Angel from the real reason of his question.

But Angel won't be deviated, never, not once, not in all the time I've known him or all the time I saw him fighting in that bar the night I turned him. He stands his ground and is as stubborn as hell; he gets what he wants. Always.

His eyes narrow as he asks them more directly** "What about the baby?"**

Wesley glances at me and leaves the room, Angel follows.

I lift my head and watch them go then lie back down, closing my eyes again, staying completely silent.

I have to know what's wrong with you.

I have to know if I'm fighting hard enough.

**"What? What is it?" **Angel's voice is as loud as it would be if he were stood right next to me.

Wesley takes a deep breath** "Angel, I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst."**

"**No." **He replies resolutely.

**"The babies heartbeat is faint. Very faint." **He explains I can smell the fear? Coming off of him, fear and relief, it makes a strange taste in your mouth.

Fear is a very sweet taste, almost sickly and relief is heavy and yet light at the same time, very fresh.

**"What do we do?" **he says

**"I'm not sure there is anything we can do. Darla's body - it's not a life-giving vessel. I don't know that it's equipped to do what it needs to do in order to bring a baby to term."**

There's a pause before Angel replies, obviously trying to register what he's just been told.** "So-so, what-what are you saying? We just let it die?"**

**"Ah, what about a c-section?" **Cordelia queries.

_In my thoughts,_

_In my dreams,_

_You've taken over me,_

**"Normally that's exactly what we'd do in this instance, but... the mystical forces that's been protecting the pregnancy..." **Fred says, blatantly uncomfortable about being the bearer or bad news.

Thunder rolls across the sky as she trails off, leaving everyone to come to their own conclusions.

**"...is gonna end up killing it." **Angel finishes, dread smothering his voice to the point it sounded almost as if he's very far away.

**"That's my fear." **Wesley confirms it.

No more fears, I'm sick of fears, of feeling scared or unsure, of not knowing what's going to happen. As a vampire I'm used to being in control and in this, I'm anything but in control. Not of my body, or yours, of the way I feel or what I do, it's like I'm trapped inside a really bad soap opera, forced to watch until the long awaited end.

There's a quiet sigh from Angel before he speaks and when he does his voice sounds broken, like he's trying not to cry or show anything other than calm disregard for the situation. **"This doesn't make any sense. I mean, this whole thing has been a miracle, right? You don't just get half a miracle, do you? - I mean, the powers - they brought her this far, they protected the baby all this time..." **He's desperate.

Like me, I'm desperate, desperate for a way out, a way to know what I'm doing, what's gonna happen.

**"We don't know that" **Gunn says a little un-clearlyas he tries to put a brutally truthful statement out there without hurting anyone but knowing there is no other way to say it. **"We don't know that it's the powers that's been protecting it. Angel, I'm sorry, but what if what Darla's carrying _is_ the thing in the prophecies? That scourge of mankind that's supposed to plunge the world into ultimate darkness? What if - what if what's happening to Darla _now_ what if that's the powers? Finally stepping up to the plate and doing something for once!"**

If killing you is the Powers That Be doing what they think is right they can just fuck off, who is that gives them the power to decided who can live and who can die? Who gives them the right to torture me like this? To give me a miracle only to take it away again when I finally accept that it's really happening?

The Powers are obviously so far up themselves they don't care what it does to the people involved, so long as their precious innocents are saved? Do they really think that their champion will continue to fight for them if they kill his son? Well at least not their way.

You can't just kill a baby, not mine, not now.

I've killed plenty of babies before now, their blood sweet and pure, hot as it pulses from their tiny veins-

I think I'm going to be sick.

If that's even possible, can vampires be sick? I never have, I've never known one that has but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

**"How? By killing my kid?" **

There's a kind of stunned silence after that and after a few seconds Angel head's towards Lorne's bedroom.

I close my eyes, pretending to be a sleep, I don't know what he'd say if he knew that I heard everything they'd just said but I don't want too either.

I want to relax in the sense of security that comes when he's near, the sense of completeness. I've no doubt that those feelings are once more yours but I'm past caring. His scent is comforting, warm, spices.

Yes spices, like walking into a parlour, the herbs and the spices, musky like that. He used to have a touch of whiskey to him as well but that's worn off over the years, the underlying scent is still there but not as strong.

He sits in the chair by the bed and I open my eyes and look at him, I don't speak and for a split second neither does he.

**"Hi. How 're you doing?" **he asks softly.

**"He finally stopped kicking." **I reply.

It's true, you have, my insides, my long _dead_ insides are no longer being beaten by your incessant tossing and turning.

**"Did he?" **He leans forward and lays a tentative hand on my stomach. I don't stop him and his touch relaxes, melting against me. Despite him being dead too his touch feels warm, like sparks where our bodies meet, fires igniting in long since unresponsive skin.

_It's like I'm not me,_

_It's like I'm not me,_

**"I guess he figured he finally got your attention"** he says and I can't help but smile **"You called him a 'he." **He smiles back at me, before my smile slides from my face, he knows, he knows that I love you, he knows that I can't help it. Before I would have given anything for him to realise that but now it makes me feel naked and vulnerable, no protection, no guard. **"I think that's the first time you've ever done that."**

He's avoiding the crux of this whole thing, and I need to know. I need to know the truth straight from the horse's mouth so to speak. **"He's dying" **His smile melts away but still he doesn't look away, stripping me down with those soulful eyes. **"Isn't he?"**

Angel waits a moment, looking at the raw need that must be evident if not in my voice then in my eyes then answers quickly and shortly** "No."**

I give him a disproving look** "You lied much better when you didn't have a soul" **I shift slightly under his unfaltering gaze **"I can feel the life slipping away from me."**

He speaks with more force this time** "Then don't let it. You have to fight for this. - Please." **He's begging me, oh god he's pleading with me, it's been so long since he's done that, so long. I wish I could comply, I wish I could give him what he wants but we both know I can't, I don't have the energy, I'm worn out, and I'm cold, and I just want it over.

It's strange isn't it? That hell is considering warm, why is that? Warmth is life, it's hope, it's security, it's being something other than dead. It's everything I'm not.

**"I don't know how. My boy." **I look down at my stomach and run my hand across it, you're in there. I still can't get my head round it, your in there, you're alive, and your mine.

Mine.

My own.

My child.

My baby.

My miracle.

My demon, drug, parasite.

My heaven, my hell.

My world.

" **My darling boy" **I move so I'm lying flat on my back and raise a hand to my forehead, brushing my hair from my eyes.

My hair is blonde.

It used to be so long and golden. Angelus always said I had beautiful hair. I would sit at my dresser and he would comb it for me every morning, the one act I let him do for me without command, and without vicious and hurried strokes. It was almost intimate, naturally it usually ended up even more so, well it wasn't always "intimate" usually a quick release for the both of us after night of hunting and killing and teaching Dru or William but before hand it was always intimate.

Now it's straggly and in desperate need of being combed or washed. A shower, or a bath . . . that sounds perfect . . .

"**I told you I had nothing to offer this kid. Some mother" **I look at him a moment, hot tears are stinging my eyes, I just want to let go but I can't because if I do I don't think I have the strength to pick up the pieces any more. **"Can't even offer it life." **

I can't, you're dying and I'm powerless to stop it. For the first time in four hundred years I feel old. So very old.

_I'm hooked on you,_

_I need a fix,_

_I can't take it,_

Angel swallows nervously, unsure of how to answer me. Good. I don't need him to answer, I don't need him to tell me how everything's gonna be fine, and how I'm gonna be a great mother, because I'm not. You're gonna die and I'm gonna go back to the way I was. Without you, or Angel, or his pets, without any of that. Without love and fear and pain. I can be the way I'm supposed to.

I jump so much I nearly fall off the bed when there's a loud bang from the main part of the club, Angel catches me.

I shudder, his touch sending electric sparks through my body. He feels warm. How can he feel warm? He's dead. Unless I'm cold, colder than I should be and if that's the case you don't stand a chance.

He stands me up but keeps his arms round me, I lean on him heavily. My body doesn't even have the strength to hold itself up any more.

I feel like I'm dying all over again.

It's not a nice feeling.

Not like the twice before, it's not like I'm slipping into oblivion or somewhere warm and protected, somewhere where I'm powerful, like I'm tucked into a tight embrace.

It's like I'm tied up and being pulled down, down, where fires blaze and chains are the only arms that hold you. Where blood flows like rivers from your own skin, where you're tortured and beaten so many times over you can't possibly feel anything other than pain. Where you are so far broken there's no where in your body or mind you can take refuge, where you can hide and hope it's all some horrific nightmare.

I maybe a vampire but I far from welcome hell.

**"What's going on?" **Angel asks as the gang rush in, panic coming of them in nauseating waves.

The smoke billows in after them, burning my nostrils with its acrid scent.

**"We're being attacked." **Wesley replies, looking round for some way out but finding none.

Angel shifts his hold on me but doesn't let me go, although I would never admit to it out loud I'm pressing my body as close as I can to him, trying to find some form of solace in his arms. Trying to make myself feel more alive than I do now.

You never feel more alive than you do when you're dead. When you're dead, when you're a vampire you have the world at your fingertips and no one can stop you, you're strong, you're fast, and you're everything you weren't when you were human.

"**Attacked? I thought you had double protection sanctorium spells?" **Angel exclaims looking accusingly at Lorne.

Lorne rolls his eyes and waves his arms round, gesturing wildly in what I'm guessing is some way to help him explain** "I do. It's a thing with the door and the stairs and the world and the thing. Never mind!"**

Gunn looks at him a moment and gives a rather strange look before turning back to Angel and I** "Apparently you can be outside and shove stuff in."**

Lorne frowns at him** "I just said that." **He says, eyeing Gunn irratatedly.

I scream and hide my face in Angel's shirt, gripping his arms tightly as a burning beam falls from the ceiling, narrowly missing us, he shields me with his body for a second before releasing me and sitting me down on the nightstand.

**"It's Holtz." **He whispers, looking up at where the beam fell.

**"What?" **I reply.

Holtz? How's he here? He should be dead, long dead, if vampires didn't eventually get him then old age would have, there's no way that man should still be alive.

I try and see if I can smell him but all I can smell is the fumes from whatever was thrown in and Angel.

The smell of the fumes is making my eyes water so I try and concentrate on the smell of your father.

If Holtz is here . . .

**"Come on. We've got to move the bed." **Lorne rushes over to the bed and tries to pull it away from the wall, seeing he's struggling Gunn, Fred and Cordelia go and help him.

I look up, straight into Angel's eyes **"How's it possible?" **

Angel answers although he seems a little distracted mind you I don't think I appear to be altogether there.** "He's here. I would have mentioned it before, but I didn't think it was the right time."**

I sink further onto the nightstand, my legs no longer capable of holding me up right, I look away from him again, at the floor** "No. No, it's the perfect time." **I say, my voice is distant, like it's coming from far away, not from my own mouth.

Your heartbeat is barely there any more, it's like it's with my voice, far, far away where I can't reach it.

Hmm . . . I remember my heartbeat, Wolfram and Hart brought me back as human . . . when I was in that apartment. I would sit for hours in front of the mirror on the dresser, feeling my heartbeat in my chest, a soft patter against my ribs as I watched my reflection, looking at what I'd become over the past four hundred years.

You can't hear it when your human the first time, you never pay attention to it. No matter how hard you try you can't hear your heartbeat. Can't feel the blood pulsing through you veins, it's only after you've been dead that you know the difference, that you know what it's like not to have a pulse, a heartbeat, a temperature, blood pulsing rather than trickling through your veins.

That's something that's always fascinated me, how can our blood move when there's nothing to pump it? Our hearts don't beat, our other organs stopped working even before our hearts did so how does it move? It moves slower than a humans but faster than if it were just running in the general direction of the angle at which the body is at.

Blood, our blessing and our curse.

If Holtz is here is he dead? Does his blood run cold in his veins like mine does . . . oh god . . . blood . . . his family, his wife, his daughter . . . his son . . .

_Just one more hit,_

_I promise I can deal with it,_

**"What we did to him." **I look up at Angel again.

**"I know." **He replies soberly.

I don't want to, I can see their faces in his eyes, the way the little girl invited us so willingly into her home, trusting us, innocent, naïve . . .

My throat constricts as I try and inhale unneeded and intoxicated air, I need to breathe, one last time I need to know what it feels like to have the precious oxygen fill my body.

I want to throw up, I really do. I can taste her blood in my mouth; it tastes like ashes one moment and metallic the next, like a penny.

It feels like a china cup does, hot as it's full of coffee.

Thick and sticky, filling my head, my throat, my nose, blocking me up, stopping me from thinking straight, from doing anything other than choking.

Their using ornaments now to try and break through the dock door but I'm not listening to what he's saying.

**"That's why this is happening. His family, his children... - what that must have been like for him. Doesn't seem so funny now, does it?"**

Not funny any more.

Nothing's funny any more.

I remember, after I turned the girl I went through to the nursery, where Angelus had gone to find Holtz' son.

He held up the drained baby, its head at an odd angle.

'Well hello me darlin'' Angelus had whispered, his Irish brogue thick and sending warm shivers through me, always did, even sitting in front of the fire never made me as warm as the sound of his voice did. 'I snapped the lil' un's neck, made quite the crack it did, like breakin' tha' branch off a yew tree.

I'd laughed at his glee and he'd joined in, laying the infant down he'd rushed forward, seizing me round the waist and took my mouth in a bruising kiss. He'd pulled away and set me back on my feet, almost like he'd momentarily forgotten his place but I didn't care.

We'd pulled it off, we'd made a blow to Holtz and it had been so easy, convincing the girl we were friends of her father's, going in, Angelus practically seducing Holtz' wife before he drained the woman and the girl . . .

**"Darla?" **Angel coaxed, I have a feeling he knows what I was thinking about as I blink at him dazedly, I can barely see him any more, everything's spinning and blurry round the edges.

**"Angel, we could use some vampire strength here." **Wesley calls out as the fire begins to spread.

Angel looks reluctant to leave my side, but knows that unless he helps we'll be dust before Holtz even gets downstairs.** "Cordy, Fred!" **He yells, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze as he gets up and they take his place.

'You okay?' Fred asks quietly, smiling softly at me.

I blink at her and nod, swallowing nervously.

I can hear their blood pulsing through their veins, I want to bite them so badly, so much it hurts but the very thought makes my stomach clench in protest.

I look over to where Angel steps between Wesley and Gunn who in turn step away, they watch him in amazement and horror as he punches at the wall with is bare fists, kicking it down with as much force.

I can't suppress the swell of pride that fills my chest at that point, my boy, I taught him well, my boy, my darling boy.

It's barely thirty seconds before he's through, even less than that as he makes a hole big enough to walk through.

Cordelia jumps to her feet, I think she caught me looking at her neck, not that I care, hello, vampire here! And hurries through the hole, the others follow quickly, Lorne picking up a piece of cardboard and putting it over his head in an attempt to keep out the hammering rain.

Angel half carries me through, I bite back a cry of pain as we get into the street, searing pains flying through my abdomen, my legs. Oh god this hurts. Just go Angel, just go, it's useless now, I'm not worth it.

I made you what you are, I made you a killer, I deserve to die at Holtz' hand. It might make some of the thirst for vengeance go away for him.

We took everything from him, everything, his wife, his daughter, his son. His whole life, we tore into it with our presence and we ripped it to shreds, laughing the whole time. Enjoying every second, every tear he shed over their bodies, every stabbing pain that went through his heart as he had to kill his own daughter, as she begged him to let her live.

When I left Angelus in that barn, we met again in Vienna, destroyed entire villages there. Purely to celebrate our escape from Holtz, no matter how temporary.

**"No. No. Go on. I can't. It doesn't matter anyway." **I wish my voice were louder. I wish I didn't sound so weak. I went out strong last time. I want to do that again. I don't want to become and shivering, sobbing puddle of a once great vampiress in the middle of a dark alley on a stormy LA night.

Angel gives me a little shake** "I'm not leaving you, alright? Easy. Alright" **IF only it were easy my boy, if only everything were easy, if only I couldn't feel our son dying inside me, the only one capable of helping it, the only one in contact with it, dying herself, ready to give up. He digs through his pocket, pulls out his car keys and throws it to no one in particular **"go get my car. It's out front." **He's not looking at them, his eyes boring into mine as he lowers me to the ground.

I'm already soaked through; the raindrops like daggers piercing my flesh, so it doesn't make much difference that I'm lying in a puddle.

The pull towards hell, towards stopping fighting is getting stronger. The only reason I'm not giving up is because of you, I don't want to kill you, contrary to what I should want, I want you to live, to grow, to be happy.

He kneels next to me **"I got you." **He whispers to me, as Cordelia makes a move to join us. Well him, I can't see her wanting to stay with me, I tried to kill her after all.

Another wave of guilt, I'm drowning in it. I just want it to stop no, need it to stop, I'm drowning in guilt and in sorrow, fear and pain, love. Blood. I'm drowning in blood, my blood, your blood, his blood, her blood, every body's blood. Just make it go away!

**"Go!" **Angel snaps, she does thankfully, raw emotion evident in his voice, the kind of emotion I've never felt from him, they must be able to feel it too as they all abruptly hurry away.

_I'll handle it, quit it,_

_Just one more time, then that's it,_

Fred takes a few steps before she turns back and crouches by my head, Angel tears his eyes away from me and looks at her desperately, I can't see his face but the desperation, it's the one thing that I can hold on to. The one thing that's keeping me afloat in a sea of blood. Blood that I spilt.

**"Fred, go with them." **He says.

I'm actually surprised when she refuses him. She doesn't seem the type to deny a direct order. Even I would struggle to argue with his tone of voice at that point. I may no longer be his Sire, even if I was once upon a time, but my blood ran through him, which in turn ran through Drusilla and then finally me. It's a never-ending circle that I can't escape that I can't deny. That none of us can deny, not me, Angel, Penn, William, Drusilla or any of her pets that she turned but did it so badly that they didn't even manage to rise. Even if they did they struggled to survive and ended up either walking straight into the sun or Angelus or I had to stake them to put them out of their misery and, get rid of a liability to our family.

I'm actually surprised that William, or Spike as he's known now, has made it this far, he's still alive, after a hundred and twenty years or so of Drusilla he's alive, if he wasn't I'd feel it. Sure the twenty or so years he spent being taught by Angelus because Dru begged for days that her new toy was "shown the ropes" may have helped but even I had to leave Dru eventually, she would have driven me as insane as her had I not taken a stroll in the morning sun first.

Yes, she managed to make me, but that's after nearly two hundred years of practice and tuition first from me and Angelus then I'm sure Spike would have told her a few times how to do it when she asked, over and over again. That was the one thing we could never get into her head, everything else like don't go out in sunlight, don't touch crosses, don't go near holy water and make sure you don't get staked, the basics that was all easy compared to nearly everything else.

She nearly drove me mad, she was a mess. A childe that should never have been.

I called her a mistake. He called her a masterpiece.

**"It's okay. They'll come back for us." **Fred replies.

Angel senses the stubborn tone to her voice and releases my hand long enough for him to pull off his duster and throw it round her shoulders

**"You're gonna be okay." **He says as he takes my hand again

**"No. No, I don't think so. Once he's gone, I won't be okay. I won't be okay at all. - I don't know what I'll be. - Angel... Our baby is gonna die right here in this alley. - You died in an alley remember?"** I'm trailing off, half finishing sentences before I start another.

**"I remember." **He says as though he doesn't want to remember I don't, I don't want to remember.

I can taste the blood again, his blood, the only blood that doesn't taste like ashes as I remember it, like ambrosia, chocolate, peppermint, sweet and smooth, filling me with it's luxurious heat, filling my veins, my body, my unbeating heart with his pure love of life.

**"I wanna say I'm sorry. I wanna say it and mean it, but - I can't. - Aren't you gonna tell me it's okay?" **I want to be sorry, but no matter how many times I remember killing him, ending his life, for killing all the people I did before him, after him, with him, without him, all the people he killed, that Dru killed, Penn killed, that Spike killed I can't help but revel in it, I can't help but feel some sense of joy, of glee and that sickens me more than Angelus' soul. I started that line. I started a new line; I left my own sire's side so I could start my own line, my own family. I'm responsible for every single person killed by my childe, my grandchilder and my great grandchilder in the past four centuries. That's a lot of people, we killed about . . . two people a night each, it depends how big the person was, if they were adult or children, how healthy they were excetera. Sometimes Angelus would capture a few for games and William would torture a fair few with that infamous rail road spike of his and both of them had a habit of keeping people alive for days as they tortured them. Angelus' captives usually lived longer as William was easily bored, getting tired of the same screams in less than a day or so, so all in all that's a minimum of eight a night, that's when Penn wasn't with us and when we weren't having a massacre. That's enough to stop us from going hungry.

**"No." **He says stoically, glancing down at my stomach then back at my face.

**"No? It's really not, is it? We did so many terrible things together. So much destruction, so much - pain. - We can't make up for any of it. You know that, don't you?" **I know, no matter what happens, if I live or die I can't make up for it. Nor can he.

Not on his precious path to redemption and atonement, we can't make it right. No matter how many he saves that won't out number the amount he killed. For when he killed, not only did he kill the victim but their families also, even if not by our hand but purely through taking someone they loved away, a son, a daughter, a mother, a father, brother sister, as long as they were loved and were needed we killed who ever knew them.

And even if we both survive this, I won't be good, Dru's just a lunatic through and through, she wouldn't know how to save someone if it was explained to her a thousand times over and Spike enjoys the kill too much.

We're vampires, we don't find the lost, help the helpless, save the endangered, we kill and we hunt and we hurt. We don't know how to do anything else and I can't see souls being for sale down in the market. And the Romanies will attach some sort of curse to any souls we did get. Not that I'm suggesting any of us want a soul, I mean if for every century worth of killing you do you spend ninety years in the sewers eating rats. That would be Dru out of commission for about hundred and eighty years, Spike out for about ninety yeah, and me for . . . three hundred and sixty. Pointless exercise really and now I'm confusing the hell out of myself, most likely repeating what I've already said and thinking up the impossible. I'm begging to think Dru's insane ramblings have rubbed off on me.

**"Yeah." **He says after a moment.

If he knows why does he do it? Why does he try? Why try when you know it's fruitless? When you know it'll never make it better. When it can never fix anything.

**"This child - Angel, it's the one good thing we ever did together." **

I know what I have to do know. I know. It hurts but I know.

_Just a little bit more to get me through this,_

Angel lifts my hand and presses his icy cold lips to it. Sending electric jolts through me once more.

**"The only good thing." **

A light in a forever dark world, that's what you are baby, a candle in the cave, a rose amongst the ivy. A living soul amongst the dead demons that spawned you.

Angel buries his face in his hands; my hand still clutched between them, I can feel his unneeded breath tickling my fingers.

**"You make sure to tell him that." **The words sting my lips as they leave them, my tongue heavy with the feel of them.

This is it, this is the end. This time I'm not coming back.

I may not be worth saving, but you baby, you are.

I reach out for one of the splinters of wood that littered the alleyway when he punched his way out of Lorne's bedroom.

I concentrate on hearing your heart beat, on letting everything that you are fill me, control me, take me over as I tell you that despite everything you've put me through I love you. Despite everything, the hunger, the pain, the torment, the fear, the unwanted emotions, I love you, with all my heart, like I've never loved anything ever before. I love you baby, don't ever forget that.

And before anyone can stop me, with the rain beating down on the concrete, my body seemingly melting to be one with yours, and my hand clutched tightly in that of my childes.

I plunge the wood through my chest.

It's over.

**Right well that's it guys, thanks to everyone who's reviewed, I have really enjoyed writing this, even if I did scare myself at times, channelling Darla is overpowering to say the least, and I have loved every second of it! I hope you enjoyed reading it as well and please review again! **


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